Motherhood

 I don't know why but I have been so emotional lately about Ethan. It seems like he is just getting so big! I look at him and think, where has all this time gone.
I LOVE talking to Ethan, he has always been a good talker, and still to this day he astounds me with what sentences he can put together! I figured that with me as his mother, that he would definitely be outgoing and really talkative, but I never imagined that I could have a full on understanding conversation with my 3 year old. And when we talk to each other, he has such a caring tone to him. (most of the time lol) He is so loving towards me and never is afraid to ask me if I need a hug, or if I'm okay. I just cant understand how someone so young can realize when you really need a hug or a kiss. Ethan is so good at that. (I'm crying right now, see I don't know whats wrong with me! ) I really don't know how he does it? Of coarse we are not always rainbows and sunshine, we have our disagreements, our little temper tantrums. But what mother and child don't? But even if I yell or tell him to go in time out.... he still gives me hugs, tells me he loves me, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. Its amazing how children can do that. Give them 10 mins to cool off and they are back to their loving selves. I only hope that when I fought with my parents, I was like Ethan and pouted for a few minutes, but then came running back into their arms saying that I loved them.
I have had so many thoughts in my head lately about motherhood and if I have been a good enough mother to my son. Some times I just look at Ethan and wonder... Am I a good mom Ethan? Are you happy, do I make you happy? Then I start crying.... and of coarse Ethan sees me crying and will walk over and ask me if I'm okay.. I always respond yes I'm fine... his next response is always the same, "Give me a hug mommy". How did I get blessed with such an amazing child? Right before Ethan was born, I had these same thoughts. How am I going to do this?  I cant even do a load of laundry on my own, let alone be a mom! I was scared that Ethan wouldn't like me. I know that sounds crazy, but it was a thought that I had a lot when I was pregnant. I think about it now, and it kinda makes me laugh. How could I think that? I'm his mother, of coarse he is going to like me at least until he is a teen. lol. But even then, he will love me, he may not say it as much or even act like it, but I know in my heart that he will love me forever, because being a mom has an amazing impact on a child's life. My mother had and still has an amazing impact on my life. I gave her HELL in my younger years, but she stuck with me, told me she loved me and helped me in any way possible when I needed it. I hope I can be a mother like my mom. I'm still learning... I still call my mom asking how to bake, what I should do about sickness... but I am learning.

I love Ethan so much with all my heart. I wouldn't know where I would be now if I didn't have him. He is a blessing to both Russ and I, he came at a hard time in our life, and pulled... well YANKED us up! I cant wait for the day when I get to tell him that he saved my life. I could tell him now, but he would just laugh and say sure mommy, sure. But he really did. I'm forever indebted to him.